...and don't accomplish anything of particular interest. I'm floating in this limbo where I have this ingrained belief that something wonderful, exciting, and fulfilling is right around the corner. The jury is still out on whether this is a good or bad feeling.
Last night, Andrew and I checked our resting heart beats. I have believed, since a slew of sleepless nights in college, that an irregular, speedy heart beat is to blame for my overactive imagination and inability to rest. As Andrew counted the thumps, and I watched the seconds tick by, I could feel my heart, pulsing blood through my veins, carrying it to my head, my neck, my fingers. I remember thinking Andrew probably wasn't the best candidate to take my pulse since my heart races at the sight of him. But after a minute he looked over and said "74". And guess what? That's normal.
Normal. Yet sometimes it feels like a thousand horses pounding through my veins. Like one day, my chest will burst and out will come an adorable tap-dancing, deadly alien (Spaceballs, anyone?). But according to research, I'm just normal (they said the same thing in college when I wore a heart monitor).
Yet, this feeling persists. I've felt it for awhile too. Ever since I recovered from the car accident. I choose to see the accident as an opportunity. A heavily cloaked one, admittedly, as things got harder instead of easier, at first. As I gained more weight and cried more for no reason. Yet this feeling still remained, and not only in my heart, but in my entire body. My fingers, my legs, they feel ... jumpy. As if there is something fresh and new coursing through them. As if they're poised and waiting for the gun to go off and the race to start.
But I also think this inspired recovery period has left me more indecisive than ever. I'm overwhelmed with possibility and therefore not too upset when something falls through. I know everything I want is just beyond my grasp, I just don't know what that is yet.
So what can I do? I'm not sure, but here's what I've been doing:
1. Crafting more stories in my head.
2. Allowing myself more creative, vivid, and sometimes steamy dreams.
3. Brainstorming personal branding avenues (more on this in another post soon).
4. Evaluating actions of others.
5. Thinking more clearly about where I want to get involved and where I bring value.
6. Reading - a lot a lot of reading
7. Forgiving (this one is likely the hardest)
8. Hitting the gym - hard. Running used to be my favorite therapy and I will get back there.
9. Sharing complete thoughts and allowing myself to work on the unfinished ones
10. Opening doors - literally and figuratively - exploring new places in my mind and in the world.
What would you recommend I do?
